The Diary: Eddie’s Latest One-Liners

My name is Stan Van Gundy and I’m Ron Jeremy’s stunt double. I learned how to play Rashard Lewis with Pietrus and Hedo, and it helped me win a big game for once. I’m no Jeff.

My name is LeBron James and I shouldn’t take nine days off ever again. I also finally got to play a half-decent team in the Playoffs, and they were able to expose our offense, which consists of three plays.

My name is JJ Reddick. Sometimes I have bad shooting nights because I don’t go out to practice my three; instead before a big game I sit in the locker room next to Hedo — who’s eating pizza — and work on my hairdo with a bottle of gel and a comb.

My name is Kobe Bryant, and I miss being 25, where no matter who you were, I would have taken your ass to the rim for a dunk or two guaranteed free throws.

My name is George Karl and I simply can’t get it done. Nor can I get a suit that fits perfectly and doesn’t make me look like Koko the Clown. In Game 7 in Los Angeles, when the Lakers are up by 1 and we have the ball with 6 seconds left on the clock in the fourth quarter, I’ll once again have Anthony Carter — the shortest player on my team — take the ball out of bounds where he’s met by Lamar Odom — a near 7-footer who played street ball in New York. I will have him pass to Chauncey, a guy who walks so slow to get the pass, telegraphing it to the entire court, that we’re bound to give them a steal and a win in a game we probably should have won.

My name is Kenyon Martin and I just fouled Kobe Bryant 30 feet from the basket in the biggest game of the last 20 years in our franchise’s history by reaching in for some reason while three people were defending him.

My name is Carmelo Anthony and I need to be traded to a team where my potential will grow into a championship, and not a team where my teammate feuds with Mark Cuban, uses double negatives in every sentence, and where the number of tats on our team combined is greater than the number of dumb decisions our coach has made this season. Either way, I’m set on showing everyone I’m that damn good and MJ knew something when he gave me that Nike deal.

My name is J.R. Smith and I really don’t give a damn if we beat the Lakers or not. Why should I care if my club’s owner doesn’t believe in us and would rather watch RAW?

My name is Blake Griffin and David Stern’s ping pong balls screwed me for life.

Can’t you just picture a depressed-looking Baron Davis bouncing off Marcus Camby and Zach Randolph during timeouts as Eric Gordon and Blake Griffin cry aloud? The NBA – Where Mike Dunleavy Happens.

The 2009 NBA Playoffs Are Here!

In only a matter of hours, the NBA Playoffs will begin! It’s been an emotional couple of days for basketball fans. The expected news that Kevin Garrnett will miss the remainder of the year due to a knee injury has shaken the league up. Although I’m a Laker fan, I can’t say I’m happy about this. I’m a huge fan of KG’s, and having him in the Playoffs would have made the post season a whole lot more fun! This news item wasn’t taken in well by true basketball fans, and it certainly didn’t do wonders for Celtics GM Danny Ainge, who suffered a heart attack a few hours later that day. I want to make sure and wish Mr. Ainge (another basketball great) a speedy recovery! I’m glad to hear he’s doing fine!

I think the KG-less Celtics are more dangerous than everyone thinks. Losing their key player will hurt their chances and there’s no way around that. However, the remaining players on the team just got a little extra motivation to try harder. The way the whole story went down — with the Celtics being quiet about the injury, never telling us what it really is, and making their players think they’re getting KG come the Playoffs so they would play a high pace — makes me think that the Celtics aren’t as fragile as we all think. I believe they’re smart, and obviously planned well for this moment.

At any rate, here are my thoughts for the Round 1 match-ups:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

(1) Cleveland Cavaliers vs. (8) Detroit Pistons
– The Pistons traded Billups for Iverson, and Joe Dumars convinced us it was a good move. And really, in a league where everyone is trying to dump salary and nobody cares about basketball, it made sense. But a few games into the trade it was obvious this was a bad move for the Pistons. I think they’ll be able to get a game or two out of Bron Bron but I don’t see much else happening at this point in time. I say Cleveland takes it 4 games to 1.

(2) Boston Celtics vs. (7) Chicago Bulls
– I just don’t see the Celtics losing in Round 1. They are the defending champions. They are missing their key player. They’ve been playing solid basketball without him heading into the Playoffs, and Paul Pierce will not let them die this early. Ray Allen will be extra motivated. If they can get modest production out of their bigs (Powe has been playing well, Perkins is decent, and Davis is improved from last year), and Rajan Rondo comes through, I think the C’s will prevail. Chicago has been on a role since getting Brad Miller and John Salmons. Ben Gordon will get his, but how will Derrick Rose react in his first trip to the Playoffs? That’s why Rondo’s play is key to this series. If he can play solid against Rose, the C’s will take this. I’m going to go on a limb and say C’s take the serious 4 games to 2.

(3) Orlando Magic vs. (6) Philadelphia 76ers
– I’m not looking forward to this series. At all. Philly has been terrible heading into the Playoffs, almost making us question what they were trying to accomplish in the last month. It’s a season the 76ers would rather forget, I can tell you this much. As far as Orlando goes, count me as one of the people not sold on them. To me, Turkoglu’s health is a big question mark, and Dwight Howard is not your “go to” guy. With no Jameer Nelson, what do you? Magic takes the series in 7 games, 4-3.

(4) Atlanta Hawks vs. (5) Miami Heat
– Without a doubt the most interesting Round 1 match-up. I can’t wait for this series! It’s time to see what D-Wade will be able to accomplish with a team that consists of a dying Jermaine O’Neal and a rookie point guard in Mario Chalmers. Having in mind what Wade has been up to lately, I’m very tempted to take the Heat in this one. However, Atlanta’s play in the Playoffs last year was phenomenal and I think that Joe Johnson will do a good enough job on Wade, while Bibby pressures Chalmers and Josh Smith gets his. I say Atlanta in 6, 4 games to 2.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

(1) Los Angeles Lakers vs. (8) Utah Jazz
– You talk about a weird 8-seed. Well I’m not happy about this draw, but so be it. I’m confident that the Lakers will be victorious. Bynum looks good. Kobe seems a bit worried but not as tired as he should be at this point in time. Gasol has been playing amazing basketball all year long. Trevor Ariza has proven to be an important X factor on this team. The biggest question mark is the play of Fisher and Lamar Odom. One of the best-kept secrets in the past month has been how horrible Derrick Fisher and Jordan Farmar have been. Being a smart man, Phil Jackson has shifted the attention away from his two point guards by letting Shannon Brown get some play-time in generally unimportant matches, so that PJ has something positive to talk about in Brown. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Shannon in the Playoffs because that’s a Phil Jackson move. As far as Fisher goes, he’ll be fine. He’s a veteran and will get the job done, plus don’t remember he always has “extra” motivation when he plays in Utah, so that helps. I’m worried about Farmar, who’s become somewhat of a streaky player, but I hope he’ll come through. Really, Lamar Odom is what worries me most. If we get the Lamar we’ve been getting for most of this year, then the Lakers will have no trouble on their way to the finals. If we don’t, then it’ll depend on the rest of the crew. This has been a bad year for the Jazz due to injury problems, and bad chemistry. They might have to think things over this summer. I think the Lakers will play hard and sweep Round 1 because they don’t want to waste time in the uninviting state of Utah. 4-0.

(2) Denver Nuggets vs. (7) New Orleans Hornets
– When the season started I was thinking these two would meet in Round 1 of the Playoffs, only the Hornets would have the #2 seed, and the Nuggets would have the #7 seed. Wow. This might be another 7-game series. While the thought of Paul vs. Billups is entertaining, I have to say that there are way too many other factors in play here. Will K-Mart or JR Smith punch out David West at one point in time during this game, or will they take an ill-advised 3 with the clock running down and their team needing a shot? Will Chauncey manage to control this wreck through the Playoffs? Will ‘Melo finally show up? How will Nene handle West and Chandler? On the flip side of things, can this Hornets team get any weirder? Do you count on Tyson Chandler to come through? Can’t you just picture him limping his way to the basket only for the Birdman Chris Andersen to block his shot and go nuts, causing a technical foul, followed by a JR Smith slap on the referee, an ejection, and a more serious penalty? Nothing would surprise me with these two teams — I just hope George Karl makes it alive through this summer. I think I am going to watch every game of this series. I’m going with the Hornets in 7 games, 4-3.

(3) San Antonio Spurs vs. (6) Dallas Mavericks
– I can’t… I just can’t… AHHHH! OK, fine. Dallas in 7. Damn it!

(4) Portland Trailblazers vs. (5) Houston Rockets
– The second most interesting match-up in my opinion. Keep your eye on Yao Ming. This is a must-win situation for him and the Hornets. On the other hand, Portland and Brandon Roy look unbeatable at home. I think at the end the home court advantage will take its toll but it’ll take time getting there. Portland in 7, 4-3.

If my predictions hold up, we’ll have quite the Round 2! I’ll be back with more thoughts on the Playoffs soon!

The D-Wade Show

There’s been a lot going on in the NBA as of late, but I haven’t gotten around to write on it for a few reasons. I find my mind racing all over the place when it comes to picking a good topic to discuss. Then I realized there’s really only one man everyone’s talking about, and for good reason.

Last summer we all claimed that Dwyane Wade is back. After giving us a ridiculous performance in the Olympics, Wade focused on his Miami Heat. We knew it won’t be easy. It’s a young team full of inexperienced young players. Their point guard is a rookie. Their draft pick, Michael Beasley, turned out to be a disappointment, at least in my eyes. Shawn Marion was exposed without having a D’Antoni system to play in. The trade for Jermaine O’Neal didn’t exactly get you excited, knowing O’Neal’s place in the league in 2009.

However, D-Wade didn’t give up. He sat around and tried to work with his team as much as possible, building thrust and experience. His hard work is finally starting to pay off, as Miami is a better team, going 6-2 in their last 8 games. (Both losses were to Cleveland.) Wade was very smart about this season. He finally got the rest his body needed at the end of last season. He worked hard over summer, committed himself to Team USA knowing it’ll only benefit him to play daily pick-ups with Kobe, LeBron, Paul, and the gang. Then the season started. He showed us a few glimpses of brilliance, but remained quiet for the most part, trying to make his teammates better and focusing on the bigger picture, as far as the team is concerned. Then came the All-Star break. Ever since Wade has been a monster.

Having been in the league for a few years now, D-Wade knows good teams turn it up right after the season’s midpoint. He was fully aware of this, and has been nothing but brilliant. His stats for the month of March so far in the 7 games the Heat have played:

.554 FG shooting
.487 3PT shooting
.795 FT shooting
42.6 Minutes Per game

39.0 Points Per Game
6.7 Total Rebounds Per Game
10.4 Assists Per Game

Are you kidding me? This guy is averaging 39-7-10? If he steps up his rebounds, we might be looking at a 40-10-10 by the time April rolls around. I don’t know if D-Wade is making a statement when it comes to MVP voting (which is what everyone is spinning this out to be), or if he’s trying to make his young teammate believe that Miami has a shot this year, but I can tell you one thing. I wouldn’t want to be Boston, Cleveland, or Orlando and have to face Wade in the first or second round. Whoever ends up playing them will be losing sleep once the Playoffs come around!